Taquito Follies

The last two days I have had the pleasure of representing Jose Ole's new frozen taquito flavors as I demoed them at Hy-Vee. I never would have tried to put pepperoni pizza inside a taquito, but Jose Ole was brave enough to do just that. Buffalo chicken was the other available flavor which was much better if you ask me. They pepperoni pizza one really just tasted like they put a hot dog inside the tortilla. And as everyone knows if I want a hot dog, I only go Johnsonville Brats. I'm sorry but I am a weiner snob, sue me if you must.

Baking those things in a pizza oven was tough. The middle would come out as cold as a polar bear's buttcrack if you didn't leave them in long enough, but if you tried to cook them much longer the ends would burn. So I decided to just cook them for longer, then cut off the tips before I handed them out. I had several people come up to me and ask me what I was burning since they could apparently smell it from across the store. I told them that I didn't really burn them, just the ends had to be well done in order for the taquito to come out right in this particular oven.

So I contined to bake these suckers for the next day and a half and had more and more people coming up to me asking what I was burning. I began to question whether or not I had really been smoking something this whole time so I inspected the oven. I thought I had stumbled onto the burning culprit when I saw some tortilla shell crust stuck to the middle of the grill charred as dark as an emo punk's hair. I pulled it out to showed my friend Kyle. "Hey I think I found out what was burning! This little piece of broken off shell." I slid out the grill all the way to show him my discovery when I noticed a taquito had hidden itself in the back of the oven. This thing had been cooked longer than a Salem witch. It was so black it would make Manute Bol blush. It had to have been cooked for at least five hours at a 400 degree clip. I figured it would dissolve into ashes if I even touched it, but luckily I was able to pick it up and take pictures of it (none of which actually turned out). I decided it would be a good idea to have some fun with this little guy before it was time for me to leave so I threw him into the toilet to hopefully gross out the next bathroom go-er. I'm not sure how that quest ended up, but I do know that I enjoy going into the bathroom to see a dark fecal shape peering at me from afar. So hopefully I evoked a similar reaction from someone else.

So in short, I'd recomment these new taquitos, but only if you can manage to keep them from looking like a piece of coal. Good luck.